I work for a large police department. We opened our new year with news of our first fatality. One of our officers had taken his own life. I did not know him personally, but I knew his job. I know what it feels like to work long hours for the greater good. I know how it feels to disappoint your family and friends when those long hours infringe upon them. I know how angry and scared family and friends can become. He was going through a divorce - I know what that feels like too. I didn't know this officer personally, we worked in different stations on different shifts. I wish so badly I had known him. I wish...I wish I could have helped him.
People want to believe that suicide is a silent killer. That it just appears out of the blue, out of nowhere, and that there is nothing you can do to prevent it. People want to believe it's like a random lightning strike. But I know that it is not. The reality is that it stalks a person for days, and months and even years. There are signs; and they aren't that unnoticeable. Suicide isn't silent. If there is a silence though it comes from the people who aren't being stalked by it. It is very uncomfortable to talk about suicide, it feels more comfortable just to stay in the silence.
I want to break the silence. People who are stalked by suicide are not in a position to speak, they are too overwhelmed by their internal pain. I think I know why its so easy for the people in their lives to keep silent though. I know there that been times when I have seen someone in pain and I have been afraid of adding to it. I can appreciate that if I ask them about their thoughts on suicide that they will be upset. If I ask them about suicide, I may embarrass them. I may anger them. The potential confrontation is such an obstacle. What if I am wrong? What if I accuse someone of being suicidal and they are not; and I just embarrassed them and they get angry and they never speak to me again? I know this fear, I do.
But I'm at that point now where I would rather break the silence, and have that relationship end, than stay silent all the way to the funeral.
Suicide itself stalks, but it is NOT silent. It's LOUD. The problem is, I think, that people do not know what to look for. We are waiting for our depressed friend to say "I want to kill myself!"
The truth is, rarely does anyone really say, “I want to kill myself!” when they want to end their life permanently. This phrase is usually a cry for attention (still important!) rather than an actual commitment to ending one’s life.
These are some true warning signs that someone is seriously considering permanently and irreparably ending their life:
1.
Sudden changes in baseline emotions. This is not necessarily sadness, hard life events trigger very normal periods of grief and depression. But if I have an Eeyore-type companion who switches to Tigger over-night, this is serious cause for alarm. It can indicate that they are feeling the euphoria that can come from making a big decision. Or, they can be on the high of executing their bucket-list, as they engage in their last hurrah of life.
2.
Total isolation for lengthy periods of time is a warning. I know that If someone HAS experienced a hard life event, it's important to stay tuned to them. I must check in with them, and make them talk to me. I must make them allow me into their space.
3. “I want to kill myself!” isn't likely to be said, but
an obsession with death is a tell-tale sign that someone is being stalked by suicide. A friend who off-handedly muses over how life would be if they were dead is in serious trouble. Someone who mentions a specific trigger is also in trouble - as in “If this happens I’ll slit my wrists or shoot myself, or etc.” This is no less than a DEFCON 2 level of alarm. This is because they are communicating a potential plan, one they have considered at length, or even come to the very brink of using.
4.
Look for grooming. Are they showering? Shaving? Combing their hair? Do they normally enjoy makeup and suddenly stop wearing it? Have the stopped eating? These are alarm bells.
5.
Look for injuries. Their hands might have tears from pounding walls or fighting. Their arms and legs might have cuts. Often these injuries are an attempt to use physical pain to distract from the internal pain.
I cannot be silent if I see these signs. One sign is enough to lose someone to suicide. Two or more and the person is in extreme danger!!!
I know that it's going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but I know that the opening is simple. I'm going to ask, “How are you?”
But I am not going to let them pass with “I’m fine.”
This is what I'm going to say to someone exhibiting suicidal signs:
1. “Hey you’re completely different, tell me more about this new can-do attitude...
2. “Hey I haven’t heard from you since your loss, talk to me for a minute. I know that you are fine, but I am not. I really need to talk to you. I'm missing you. Please let me just be with you for awhile..."
3. “Tell me more about slitting your wrists over that thing you mentioned.”
4. "I have this new beauty mask I want to try. I'm coming over to use you as my guinea pig. I haven't had a chance to be with you and this will give me a chance to catch up with you."
5. "Tell me about those cuts. No big deal you say? That must be a story! If they didn't hurt what did it feel like when you got them?"
Most importantly, I'm going to keep saying “Tell me more...”
I'm not interesting in fixing them. I just want to listen and bare witness to their pain and prove to them that their pain MATTERS to me.
I will not compare their pain. I know that reminding someone of all the things they “should” be grateful for is one of the worst thing to do to someone in pain. I don't need to remind them that children are starving in Africa. They already know this, it is part of the reason that they feel they are unworthy of life.
I know that a conversation with a person I believe is being stalked by suicide is always going to be uncomfortable.
Because eventually, I may have to ask, “Have you made a plan to kill yourself?”
The more detailed the plan the more dangerous their situation is, and I know I may have to take them to a hospital, by force if necessary. If my friend was having a heart attack or stroke, and I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt, could I justify allowing them to tell me they were "fine" and leave them to die? I know I could not. And so I will not leave my friend alone with their stalker, and leave them to die. I won't.
However there is one thing I am painfully aware of as a police officer:
a gun owner does not need a plan. This is why police suicide is high. Because they always have access to a lethal solution for a finite problem.
Someone else considering suicide has to slow down, they have to make a plan, they have to execute the plan. Sometimes within that planning phase, they will encounter something or someone who will change their mind.
But someone who owns a gun can just skip directly to the execution.
I won't be responsible for leaving another one of my co-workers to die. I will not be silent.
For more information on suicide please visit
The National Institute for Mental Health
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Are Married People Less Likely to Kill Themselves by Dr. Bella DePaulo
