Tuesday, November 26, 2013

A Personal Journey of Defining Professionalism in Theatre

I just had one of the most profound theatrical experiences of my life. Incidentally, it was simultaneously the most painful theatrical experience I have endured to date. It made me question my definitions of professional theatre and community theatre. It made me analyze my own status in the theatrical world. It made me question my personal responsibility in each show that I agree to do. The experience showed me that certainly in my case, in my misery I love company. I came face to face with a very ugly person; and that person was looking back at me from the mirror. I have decided that I don’t ever want to be that person again and I will take the necessary steps to avoid that in the future. However I do believe that I am to some extent a product of my experience.

My college experience, it just so happens, is that I graduated from the University of Arizona with a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Musical Theatre. That may not seem like such a big deal to some people but when I graduated in 1996, the University of Arizona was one of four schools offering the Musical Theatre program and was considered the very best of the four. Academically, I graduated Magna Cum Laude. However I was nearly removed from the program the year before my graduation and I was placed on “probation.” It was an exceptionally competitive program. I started with one hundred classmates and graduated with eighteen. Some of my classmates dropped out due to the pressure, some were cut from the program. They didn’t meet the professional standards of the University of Arizona. I did, but just barely.

So when I moved to Chicago to begin my professional career in acting, my illustrious BFA opened many doors, but I went to auditions with the label of “probation” under my skin. I was “just barely” good enough to be a professional. So when I fell in love and married and was wooed by white picket fences and 401k’s, I left professional theatre. I thought I’d never go back because my wonderful professors at the University of Arizona had told me that women were a dime a dozen in the acting world and that my career would be over at thirty-five.

I was divorced single mother at thirty-nine when my four year old son said to me one day “Go sing Mommy!” I sang to him all the time, but he wanted to share Mommy’s pretty voice with whoever would listen. Much to my amazement, there were plenty of people who wanted to hear me sing. How impressive that no one seemed to care I was past that expiration date of thirty-five! I didn’t use a professional agent; If there was a festival I wanted to do I simply contacted them, told them what I sang and they either had me come or they didn’t. Sometimes I got “hired” because someone had seen me somewhere else. If I got paid a little cash or even given food I was thrilled; but it was icing on the cake. I was singing and performing just because I wanted to do so. I did not consider myself a professional. I no longer auditioned or had headshots or promotional material. I still had my 401k job after all, that was my “profession,” not singing or acting.

Pretending that an exclusive degree with honors from a prestigious university somehow stopped being relevant to my distinction as a theatre professional was probably one of my first mistakes that contributed to my recent profound and painful experience. It is a fact I was trained to be a professional performer despite my probationary talent level.

Talent is subjective; there are many actors in the world I would classify as unbelievable who are getting paid top dollar to be awful performers. Likewise there are people who are remarkably talented performers who do not or will not collect monetary compensation for their performances. If we go outside of the artistic world, it is generally accepted that your training is the basis of your level of professionalism. You cannot be a professional doctor or lawyer without the required university degrees. You cannot be considered a professional carpenter without the necessary years of practice to acquire and cultivate a high level of skill and precision. The training however is not everything. An unorganized lawyer or a doctor with a lousy bedside manner is going to be considered less professional.

I was very lucky to have gone through my recent profound and painful experience with a very good friend. We had many conversations about what the defining factors of professionalism are. She articulated that professionalism is defined by a code of ethics and rules of etiquette. Knowing who you want to be and having a personal set of guidelines to achieve your goals defines you as a professional. Therefore the performer who makes a point to be on time to rehearsal, to know their lines and is pleasant to the cast and crew shows a strong work ethic and gracious etiquette.

I have heard it said that in this day and age, it is difficult to clearly delineate the line between professional theatre and community theatre. I do not think that the line is blurred at all; however theatres are cautious to utilize the label of Community theatre because it has been given a negative connotation and is often snubbed by those people who would like to consider themselves “professional.” Thanks to my recent experience, these snobs would instantly lose my respect. In my opinion community theatre may in fact be more important than professional theatre. Community theatre as I have now come to define it is theatre for the community by the community. In the most amateur of settings, these are people who love the art of theatre so much they are willing to volunteer their own time to gift it to the community. These same people do not have the benefit of training and therefore have so much more to risk before their peers and yet they do it anyway. This is bravery that demands respect, and anyone who snubs it is in my opinion a hypocritical coward. In the most amateur of settings the community theatre performers and crews may not have the same level of work ethic and there may not be strict rules of etiquette. This is understandable given that these people are usually volunteering their time.

A Community Theatre must be more relaxed with their crews and performers to accommodate what the people are able to give and they must be willing to make due. The beauty of community theatre is that they do in fact make due. The show goes on regardless of the lead’s toothache, or the supporting lead not showing up due to some unforeseen calamity. The show goes on whether there is a standing room only, or only one cast member’s immediate family is in the audience. The community theatre show goes on because those people have a true love for the theatre, for the show and for the community. The professional in a contrasting worst case scenario goes on just to get paid. The professional theatre is the one that will cancel a show if they don’t have a certain number of audience members. A professional theatre doesn’t make due.

That is not to say that the professional theatre is the bureaucratic villain. Professional theatres don’t make due, they make it happen. The professional theatre has a clear vision and they hire the right people and raise the funds to make that vision a reality. When my professors told me that as a woman I was a dime a dozen in the musical theatre world what they were telling me was that I had better fit into the vision of the show I auditioned for, because if I didn’t the professional theatre would be forced to find someone who would. It is also a reality that in professional theatre, a performer and crew member is replaceable. On one hand if a performer or crew member does not show a level of ethics and etiquette that matches and makes the vision, they will be replaced. Outside the artistic world employees that are not meeting their job requirements are also replaced. On the other hand, if the performer or crew member is offered another job it is respected when they leave to pursue other opportunities.

Respecting that I am a professional actor who is replaceable is the second mistake that I made that contributed to my misery in my recent theatrical experience. To offer myself some defense I would have to say that I am a product of my environment.

The American environment of which I am part loves to glorify the martyr. Revered Catholic Saints are predominantly martyrs and Jesus Christ is the ultimate martyr suffering for days to redeem the horrible human race. Though we claim to separate the Christian Church from our States we are a nation that thinks suffering is a good thing. Also, I was raised like most American children that promises were to be kept. If you agree to do something and then fail to do it, then you are not an honorable person.

Now couple that American upbringing with my college experience. The professional performer in training is told over and over again that we must “pay our dues.” We are told that we cannot expect to be paid when we first enter the theatrical world. The professional theatres must be given time to evaluate a young actor’s professionalism and we must build up our resumes. I was told that I shouldn’t turn down any performance opportunity. To do so was to risk being black balled as unprofessional. To some extent I do believe that theatrical dues need to be paid. Regardless of talent level, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a professional company who has never worked with me before to cast me in the chorus to see if my own ethics and etiquette align with their vision. However, I can’t be threatened anymore with resume credits, those are a non-issue. A resume credit really isn’t as important as a performer wants it to be. The truth is the idea that I shouldn’t turn down any performance opportunity is in direct conflict with the fact that I am replaceable.

In Community Theatre however, you don’t replace people; you make due. As disappointed as I am in myself for my distinct lack of professionalism in my recent theatrical experience I cannot lay the blame completely at my own feet. Community Theatres should honor the bravery of their casts and crews by proudly taking ownership of the term Community Theatre. If they are able to monetarily compensate their casts and crews and they want to then they should. However it is very clear to me now monetary compensation has very little to do with professionalism and certainly nothing to do with professional theatre. 

I did get paid to do my recently theatrical experience that was so profound and painful. Albeit a quarter of what I was promised, but I did get paid. Allowing money to be the basis of my definition of professional theatre was yet another mistake I made. The sum I was originally promised was attractive to say the least and my expectations were running as high as the dollar amount. The company that cast me led me to believe that they were a professional company. However it became quickly clear that there was not a cohesive code of ethics, there weren’t any rules of etiquette and it became painfully obvious that there wasn’t a vision at all. Scenes weren’t being rehearsed, music wasn’t learned and I was told over and over again that they had always been this disorganized and things always worked out in the end. This company made due.

I did not devalue them by categorizing them as a Community Theatre. I thought that I could still do the show and I wanted to honor them as brave individuals of community theatre, but I failed dismally at that. Once again, I cannot lay all of the blame at my own feet. This company did after all, cast me. They set up my expectations first as a professional company and then as a Community Theatre. I was not given the opportunity to be a part of a community performing for my peers. I felt that it was a one man production. One man produced, in addition to directing, in addition to choreographing the dances and the fight scene, in addition to musical direction, in addition to costume design, and to top it all off, he was appearing as the lead. Never mind that this man did not have any training in dance or fight direction and neither read music or knew how to sew. His fight scene was absolutely unsafe and he showed no regard for the integrity of the play by changing lines and important stage notes because he found them to be funny. His idea of directing me was either screaming at me and the other cast members “No! No! NO!” or if I made some type of acting choice, he had to stop the scene (because remember he was my leading man) and make commentary on it. I felt paralyzed as an actor.

Every one of my personal ethics was pushed beyond my breaking point. I certainly should have left when I realized that; but because I had this idea in my head that I had to take every performance opportunity and keep my promises, I stayed. I thought I had an obligation to suffer and I became a very vicious diva I didn’t recognize.

The community who came to see that show was in awe of my performance. Yes I gave them a good performance but it was a shadow of what I am capable of really achieving because I was miserable. And the truth is I did not belong there. My dear and wise friend who went through this experience with me and helped me clarify my definition of professionalism also very clearly articulated, “We might have been good for the show, but we were not good for that group.”

The rest of the cast made due with their over-reaching director, I could not. Sadly, no matter how badly I wanted to be a part of the community of that show the reality is that I don’t want to make due, I want to make it happen. At that first rehearsal when I realized the line had been drawn, the tough truth is I should have said, “You know what, I don’t think I belong here and I’m going to bow out.” They would have made due without me and I am replaceable.




As an addendum to this post I would like to offer my own list of things that I wished I had been told when I was a student training to be a theatre professional.  I was inspired of course by the touching blog post made by Callam Rodya which so appropriately went viral.  His is the original Things I Wish I Had Been Told in Theatre School and I agree with all of his points and humbly add my personal additions. 



Things I Wish I Had Been Told in Theatre School 
1. Your training, your ethics and your etiquette in equal measure define you as a professional. If you have these, you are a professional.
2. You do not have an expiration date.
3. Talent is subjective.
4. You are replaceable and this is a good thing.
5. Your resume credits are not as important as you want them to be.
6. Just because a theatre pays you does not make them a professional company. Just because you didn’t get paid doesn’t mean you are not a professional.
7. You do not have to do every show offered to you and you certainly do not have to suffer through a production that contradicts your personal ethics.





While organizing my thoughts on this post I also found these blogs and essays extremely helpful and relevant:

The Meaning of Community Theatre
What Is Community Theatre?
The Negative Connotations of  Community Theatre
Defining Professional

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Amyisms

These are the truths by which I live.  These are not quotes, they are the lessons I have learned.  Some have links to longer posts. 

1.  Art is a bowel movement of the mind.

2.  No one else will ever make you whole.

3.  Anything imagined is a possible possibility.

4.  As much as I would really like to blame someone else, there is only myself to blame.

5.  Money wouldn't be any fun unless it was hard to come by.

6.  The audience will go anywhere you wish to take them as long as you hold their hand.

7.  If something must have meaning; then consider it as a gift.

8.  I will not sacrifice my independence.

9.  I love my life and that is why it frustrates me.

10.  Only boring people get bored.

11.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

12.  Experiences in and of themselves are neither good nor bad; it is what one does with them that determines their value.

13.  Anything worth pursing is never easy to follow.

14.  You are only as good as you allow yourself to be.  You decide what is good enough.

15.  Anyone is capable of anything they wish to accomplish. You just have to decide to do it.

16.  "Better" is forward motion in a positive direction.

17.  I am NOT Wendy.

18.  Getting what you want is not as difficult as knowing what you want.

19.  I am independent of other peoples' judgements.

20.  Constantly submitting oneself to the wants and will of others is not a path that leads to happiness.

21.  To dishonor another is to dishonor one's self.

22.  If I pause to mourn who I might have been; I must then move forward with respect for who I am.

23.  Love given is not complete until it is willingly received.

24.  If what I really want is solutions, I must give up the joys of punishing myself.

25.  Ultimately, the only person who can ever save you, is only you.

26.  Have the courage to be who you could be.

27.  People who place themselves above others are hiding their beileif that they are beneath.

28.  If you know the truth behind you own mistake, you may not be able to fix it; but you can make it better.

29.  Nothing "just happens," everything is a process.

30.  My kindness is not an invitation.

31.  Positive thinking is a choice.

32.  "I have to..." is just a lie to escape the consequences of my choices.  "I have to..." gives me permission to be miserable.

33.  Mistakes are powerful opportunities.  They help us decide who we want to become.

34.  I can never "have" the immensity that is Time.  I must offer Time an invitation.  
(A bookshelf taught me this.  You can read our conversation in Why Do We Keep Broken Things?)


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Costco Magic

I have recently adopted a new member to my household family.  A dear friend from my college days found herself uprooted from her life and so I welcomed her into mine.  It has been a delight to have her, I find that we are helping each other immensely.  However, my friend and I have differing opinions concerning the best use of food and money. 

My dear friend has it in her head that shopping in bulk save money.  She couldn't bare to to consume some organic eggs which she believed that I had purchased for six dollars (I actually used a coupon); so she proceeded to go to Costco to purchase an additional two dozen eggs for six dollars.  The result being that we now have three dozen eggs taking up an entire shelf of my small refrigerator.  I really don't have the space for all of those eggs.  Having been raising my young son on a blue collar salary in modest living quarters, I have discovered that shopping in bulk for one or a family of two is impractical.

Now eggs are a food item that can last more than some other food items but the reality is still clear.  If you pay six dollars for three dozen eggs and then you find that you are only able to consume the one before they all go bad; wouldn't it have just been better to consume the one dozen?

As messy as I keep my bedroom I still maintain that I do not care for clutter.  If something has no use, I get rid of it.  I also maintain if you have no place to store something, why do you have it?

It isn't just my friend who believe in bulk, many money gurus too recommend buying things in bulk, particularly non-perishable items like toilet paper.  For myself, looking around my modest quarters where would I put all of that toilet paper?  Also, I have the unfortunate reality of living on a flood plane and these past two springs I've dealt with considerable water damage.   So if you buy all of that toilet paper and then you end up throwing it all away, honestly what is the point?  Have you saved money?  Or did you throw that money away?

Now I came home to find three dozen eggs blocking my refrigerator after spending an intense magical week with the my Terra Mysterium Clan and that of my greater Clan, Earth Traditions at the spiritual retreat of Oasis.  There were many magical workshops to attend and as interesting as Gede Parma's Servitor Workshop and Chris LaFond's Moon Mansion Talisman workshops were, I made the decision to skip them both.  It was because I know that I don't do well with magic on the fly.  Now once I did do an impromptu spell to get an airplane going but to do any deep personal magic I have discovered for myself thakes a considerable amount of planning.

I have to combat my high propensity towards self sabotage.  I must take time to discover any hidden desires for self deprivation.  For example, my first official class on talismans was given to me by my mentor Matthew Ellenwood.  In the class I decided that a debt reduction talisman would be helpful to me.  It didn't work.  Not because of any lack of magical skill, it was because I discovered that I felt I needed that debt.  It was my penitence and punishment for crimes financial and otherwise I had convinced myself I had committed.  In order for any spell of mine to work I need to uncover any hidden desires that will thwart me.  I can't do that in a two hour workshop.  I require planning.

Not everyone requires that much self excavation for magic but planning, I think is crucial to success.  You have to realistically ask yourself if you have room for all that toilet paper and if you are really going to eat all of those eggs.  What are you going to do in the case of water damage?  And what if your refrigerator breaks down?  What you stand to gain by shopping in bulk may out way what you risk to lose.  These are important things to consider.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Gardenology Festival in Geneva

It is always a pleasure for Ruby Ruse to serve her Queen, Queen Meadowyn, but the Gardenology Festival was a special treat!  Ruby Ruse loves Geneva, she might be moving in to some of the Fairy Gardens the kids created!


Sunday, May 12, 2013

May 11, 2013 Brigit: Sun of Womanhood


On Saturday, May 11, 2013 I joined an amazing group of presenters to celebrate the launch of new book Brigit: Sun of Womanhood.The evening began with prayers for Brigit lead by one of the book editors, Michael McDermott. He had many stories to share about how the book was compiled and also shared stories about his fellow editor and wife, Patricia Monaghan, who recently passed away. Ms. Monaghan was a spiritual leader in the Pagan community; one who inspired many to action.


Hearing not only Mr. McDermott speak of her but also Anne Key, Janet Berres and Eileen Rosensteel relate the contributions of Ms. Monaghan to the community, made me feel that I missed my chance to meet such a remarkable woman. I can however learn from the example she set, and continue her work becoming active in politics and continuing to pursue my Goddess scholarship.





Ms. Rosensteel, one of the contributors to Brigit: Sun of Womanhood, presented her poem, “Bard of Black Earth,” in tribute to Ms. Monaghan.


Not only was I inspired by the work of Ms. Monaghan, I was treated once again to the songs of Louise Cloutier. Watching her dig in her toes and sing with her whole body to the Goddess surges me with delight; I can only hope that one day I will produce even half of her effect.

I have run into Kiel Milner at many events at Life Force arts center. His runic toning for Brigit was interesting. I have wanted to work tonally with the runes and his presentation sparked some ideas.


Joan Forest Mage is the brilliance behind Life Force Arts Center. Her dance “Water of Life” was full of grace and expression. I learned later in the evening that one of the Goddesses to which Life Force Arts Center is dedicated is the Goddess Brigit.

It was really a pleasure to meet Szmeralda Shanel, another one of the contributors, to Brigit: Sun of Womanhood and also the book launch organizer. Her essay “My Blood Song” made me laugh and also sent shivers down my spine. Her essay concerned her personal work with the Goddess Brigit and her struggle to come to terms with her Celtic bloodline. It gave me new perspective on my own ancestral difficulties.

Shauna Aura Knight closed the evening with a communal song to Brigit.

It was an honor to be a part of such a powerful event. I was also pleased to learn of the publishing company, Goddess Ink. There are so many of their publications I want to purchase and absorb!







Sunday, May 5, 2013

Visit Ruby Ruse and Her Fairy Queen Meadowyn at the Gardenology Festival in Geneva, Illinois

On Saturday, May 18, 2013 the Steampunker Fairy Ruby Ruse will be making an appearance at the Gardenology Festival in Geneva, Illinois with Meadowyn the Fairy Queen.

Gardenology advisers and vendors will bring their best ideas and garden related products to jump-start your gardening season. Experts in every horticulture field including farming, landscape design, weavers, local nurseries, and more will be on hand to answer your questions.  And who better to answer questions about attracting Fairies to your garden than the Fairy Queen herself and her loyal companion Ruby Ruse? 

Watch for the Queen and Ruby at this beautiful festival in Downtown Geneva.  They will have handouts available to take home on attracting fairies and perhaps Ruby Ruse will be inclined to sing a song or two.  They will also have postcards for the World of Faeries Festival happening August 3 -4 in South Elgin. 



* Photo courtesy of Chuck Isdale

Thursday, May 2, 2013

May 2: Pagan Coming Out Day


My son talks about his dreams, and honors his ancestors, he can read the Runes, and he believes in magic. He believes that magic is the concept that anyone is capable of anything they wish to accomplish. Magic is taking responsibility to make that wish a reality. My son has chosen to be Pagan. He is seven years old.

It is written into the parenting agreement of my divorce decree that my son is to be raised Pagan. Religion serves many purposes. Religious beliefs give people moral and ethical frameworks in order to navigate the world. Religion helps connect humanity by directing focus onto something larger than our individual selves; a something in which each individual is a part. The Family court structure in the United States recognizes these important functions of religion. During divorce proceedings, it is strongly encouraged that the religion in which the child is to receive his moral and ethical training be clearly named. This is to address any misunderstanding that might arise in the future, such as if one parent happens to re-marry and convert to another religion; or it potentially avoids later conflict if the parents have different religions.

At the time of my divorce, I was (and I still am) a deeply religious and practicing Pagan, my son’s father was a non-practicing Christian. Everyone, even the courts, agreed that Pagan religious training made much more sense than no religious training. In 2012 my son’s father joined a prominent Christian church and he began taking our son to church as often as his visitation schedule allowed. I assured my son that if he would prefer to be Christian that was perfectly alright with me. Tynan asked my thoughts on original sin and Eve’s pursuit of knowledge and many other things. I gave him my own opinions and stressed that they were only opinions, based on my limited experience. I told him that I did not have all the answers and that he should also ask his father. My son has gone to his father’s church and he has listened to the sermons. There are many beautiful things about the Christian religion and it has much to teach in the area of basic human ethics and morality. However, my son expressed his frustration with Christianity, because “they don’t believe anything else is true,” as my son said. My son and I actually have different Gods. I honor the Goddesses Diana and Persephone from the Roman pantheon. My son is moved by the Nordic Goddess Freya and the God Odin. Our differences are accepted and honored. It is a shame that my son perceives that his ideas are dismissed in his father’s Christian world. “Pagan church” as my son calls it is full of songs and interesting stories, there are games and lots of food. Everyone is encouraged to participate but if you just want to listen (like my son) that is honored just as highly. My son said that at his father’s church “they just want to tell me what to do all the time,” and he doesn’t like it. “And they don’t believe in magic, Mom,” said my son.

Wishes do come true. If you want something badly enough, you will find a way to make it happen. If at first you don’t succeed in getting your wish, if you want it badly enough, you will try something else. This is essentially magic, and my son knows without a shadow of a doubt, that it is very real. He will articulate magic’s reality with his Skylander Collection which includes some very rare pieces. He wished for them you see. Some he bought himself by earning money doing chores. Some he was able to charm his Auntie into buying for him, but some appeared in his Yuletide stocking, like magic. “Odin knew I wanted them,” he will say. “I burned some marshmallows for him…I hope he likes marshmallows.”

Burning offerings is a common way to show gratitude to the Gods, incidentally. I never specifically told my son that, but he listens, as all children do, especially it would seem, when we think that they aren’t. My son is not as political when it comes to his religion. However, he has a school project coming up that includes a section on religion. He made the decision all on his own to include a beautiful drawing of pentacle that he made. My seven year old son is a proud Pagan. I wish we could all be so. Happy Pagan Coming Out Day.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Brigit: Sun of Womanhood

At the Life Force Arts Center on Saturday, May 11, 2013 I will celebrate the launch a new anthology of poetry and essays edited by Patricia Monaghan and Michael McDermott honoring the Goddess Brigit, the Celtic Goddess of inspiration, poetry and the arts.  Brigit also crosses religious bridges as the Catholic saint, Saint Brigit. 

Along with some of the anthology's contributors, I will be one of the ritual artists performing works about this inspirational divinity.  Brigit has honored me by helping me to compose my song for Imbolc "On the Eve of Spring," from a new collection of original songs for the Wheel of the Year.   I also found that I invoked Her quite by accident on Imbolc of 2012.  I had been asked to sing an Invocation to Brigit for Her fire festival of Imbolc by Earth Traditions, I had been given a particular song to sing.  I'm always pressed for time, but I was even more compressed as I was struggling to complete my original musical The Alembic that was to be performed that September, and script deadlines were fast approaching.  The main character still needed his song and for the life of me I just couldn't write it!  But Imbolc took precedence on this day so I set my Alembic woes aside.  On my way to the Imbolc festival, I sang the requested song over and over again in my car.  Then just as I was about to sing through it again, the missing song suddenly popped into my head, absolutely complete.  I am forever grateful Brigit heard my unspoken prayer.

In addition to "On the Eve of Spring," written for Brigit, I honor Her with Her gifts to me "In Just One Moment" and "Faith," from The Alembic which debuted at the Chicago Fringe Festival 2012 with the amazing talent of my beloved performance troupe Terra Mysterium

Click here to join me on Saturday May 11, 2013!  Did I mention that it's a free event?