It's NOT the thought that counts.

Happy Holidays! 

I love the Winter Holiday Season. I love the lights that glow at night made even more beautiful by the frost. I love the music. I love the special foods and flavors. I love the glittery decorations. I love the trees that are trimmed and skirted. I, much like everyone else, am filled with what is traditionally referred to as the “Holiday Spirit.”

But do I love the holiday gifts? Now that is a question. 

Like many people, I have heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” I assume that this is supposed to mean that a gift really isn’t supposed to be about the thing itself. When I receive a gift, I’m not supposed to be thinking about how much it cost, or where it was purchased, or if I already have something like it; I’m supposed to appreciate the “thought” behind it. What makes me nervous is when I dare to ask the question, “What is that thought?”

While I am a bit embarrassed to admit to a long string of failed relationships I’ve had, I can say that those men and women taught me a great deal about gifts and the thoughts behind them. I once had this really cute t-shirt that my son’s father had given me when we were still married. It was particularly funny because it was a fabric applique of a girl’s face that looked like a perfect cartoon image of me. It was also fitted and sassy. I was wearing it one day when I went to pick up our son from his house. His eyes narrowed into smug little slits when he saw me wear that shirt. I knew what his thought was at that moment, “I gave her that.”

I had another boyfriend who gave me a belt that just happened to go perfectly with one of my favorite Steampunk outfits. I continued to wear it after we had decided to move on from one another. When we ran into each other at a function, he said, “Nice belt.” I knew what he was thinking as he said that, “I gave her that.”

Another lover wanted to know my plans for Mother’s Day. I said that I was taking my son to a garden shop to pick out a yellow rose bush to plant in our garden. When he expressed mild horror that I was supplying the cash for it, he talked me into allowing him to buy me the rose bush. Later that summer, we went to a concert together with some of his friends. I was the final pick up on the road to the concert, so all of his friends were in the car when they arrived at my house. “See that rose bush,” he said proudly, “I gave her that.”

I Gave Her That.

That was the thought I was supposed to be so appreciative of, “I gave you that!” It meant that we were still connected. It meant ownership – not just of the gift given – but of me.

It has been my experience that the things people own become imprinted with memories and emotions; and they can even become symbols of concepts the individual believes defines them. Sometimes these things inspire or can become touchstones that provide positive comfort and grounding. Sometimes though, they become beacons of negativity sapping the life force right out of the owner. Those imprinted memories are filled with remorse and engage emotions of regret and shame. Sometimes the things people own are imbued with concepts that are no longer relevant in the present. Instead these objects instantly transport and trap a person in the echoes of the past. I have seen people (I have seen myself do it too) try to bury these things in boxes and hide them in storage units, but they still manage to become physical presences literally blocking the path towards a productive future! I call these treacherous things, Accidental Talismans.

A talisman in a magic spell is an object that is used as a touchstone for the magic. It is a placeholder to hold what I wish to create in my future. The object holds my intention and my purpose; and is created with focused thought and identified emotion. The thing is, like everyone else, I am always thinking and feeling, even if I am not focused and conscious of my intentions. That is why Accidental Talismans are so much easier to create because everything a person owns will invariably remind them of something – some thought or feeling – it may be in the back of the mind, but it is there. All things are symbols for thoughts and memories, emotions and concepts that define an individual. Gifts are particularly nasty Accidental Talismans because they don’t just store the thoughts, emotions and concepts or the receiver, they store those of the giver too. So I’m not just dealing with what thoughts and emotions and concepts that I associate with a particular object, I’m contending with whatever else the giver put in there too.

When I speak about the power that things, and Accidental Talismans have, people have observed that this phenomena does occur and most will even admit that they do still hold onto things that make them feel weaken instead of empowered. A lot of people argue with me that they can in fact change how they think and feel about a particular thing that they own - I have my doubts about that. There is no doubt however, that it is impossible, for anyone to change how someone else feels and thinks.

It didn’t matter that I liked the t-shirt, and the belt, and that I’m rather fond of yellow roses. What mattered to those three different men was that those things were a direct connection from him to me. A part of me still belonged to them because I had a thing that kept that connection alive. In my case, the gifts I mentioned took on a more nefarious “ownership” connotation. However, connection is precisely the “thought” behind all gifts. People give gifts and receive them as a symbol of the connection and the nature of their relationship.

The thoughts counting in gifts are not always darken from the ghosts of lover’s past either. Allow me to create a fictional character for the purpose of explanation – I’ll call her Aunt Milly. Almost everyone has an Aunt Milly or two in their family. Aunt Milly is that person who gives the worst gifts. They are either hideously ugly, completely impractical or just out of sync with just about everything. Aunt Milly always makes a big production when she presents her presents with some extravagant story of the hardship she underwent to acquire the gift. But she always finishes her tale with, “I saw this, and thought of you!”

Aunt Milly is pretty relatable. Nearly everyone knows someone who fits this simplistic fictional description and I have observed that nearly everyone responds to Aunt Milly’s gift in one of three ways:

1. It promptly gets chucked in the trash, or given to a rummage sale. This would be the best thing to do with it in my opinion. However, the problem is that Aunt Milly invariably will ask where her gift is, the next time she visits. The receiver can then lie that it was broken or stolen which is likely to result in Aunt Milly supplying a replacement. Or they have to face her stony stare if they tell the truth that her gift was unsuitable. 
2. It gets put in a storage box. When Aunt Milly comes to visit there is a mad dash to find it and then find a place for it. Aunt Milly will then coo and cluck over it and once again will go on and on with the extravagant story of the hardship she underwent to acquire the gift. She is also likely to bring something new that expressly goes with it. How lucky! 
3. It gets put in a room. This is quite possibly the worst thing to do with it, in my opinion. At first, the receiver will still use the room although their first thought when they see it, is “Ugh! I hate that thing!” Then over time, they will train themselves to push that thought to the back of their mind. That’s the thing with Accidental Talismans though, the thought never really goes away. It lingers, in the subconscious, and the feeling just pervades. I’ve had my own Aunt Millys and I can personally attest to the final result. I simply stopped going into the room the blasted thing was in! It was as if the thing had been given sentience. It was no longer my room, it belonged to Aunt Milly’s gift. 

What is the thought behind Aunt Milly’s gift anyway? When gifts are given it is so common to say, “I saw this and thought of you,” but I believe that what the Aunt Milly’s of the world are saying is, “Every time you see this, I want you to think of me.”

It has been suggested to me that Aunt Milly’s gift is an expression of love. Unless Aunt Milly is expressing her love of shopping, her love of martyrdom, or the love of hearing her own voice then I would disagree. And neither is it an expression of my love to Aunt Milly to accept her gift. I would not express my love to an alcoholic by buying them alcohol – how is accepting a gift from a shopaholic any different? If I really love Aunt Milly wouldn’t it be better to set boundaries? “Aunt Milly, if you really must bring me something from your trip, can you make sure it’s something that I can eat or give away?” But if the thought behind Aunt Milly’s gift really is “Every time I you see this, I want you to think of me,” doesn’t that suggest that she thinks that she is not in my thoughts unless there is a physical representation of her next to me at all times? She needs a physical representation of our connection, because she doesn’t trust that the connection between us is strong enough without it.

Don’t I need to show her that I value the connection between us? We may be related, but that relationship doesn’t carry weight without tangible connection. If I really love her wouldn’t it be better to show her how much I love her? “Aunt Milly, the only gift I want from your trip is to have you tell me all about it. Did you take any pictures? If you don’t have a scrapbook may I make one for you?”

If I really love her wouldn’t it be better to show her by taking her to lunch to hear her stories? If she doesn’t live close, can’t I call her on the telephone or write her letters to demonstrate that she is in my thoughts? If there is true connection in our relationship, Aunt Milly would respect my boundaries. She would bring me cactus candy from her journey to the desert. Or something to donate to my son’s school rummage sale.

But maybe…just maybe…it’s just so much easier to put that butt ugly gift in a box and bury it instead of addressing a truly horrible thought: Maybe…just maybe…Aunt Milly doesn’t love me. Maybe…just maybe…I don’t love Aunt Milly. Isn’t that what I’m really burying? I’m burying the fact that there isn’t a genuine relationship. I’m burying the fact that maybe, I don’t want a relationship with Aunt Milly. To me that’s akin to burying a body in the back yard. Both things are likely to haunt me.

I’ve had to face the fact that many of my lovers no longer loved me. Some told me outright and in hindsight, that was much easier to deal with. I had closure. It may have hurt more at first, but it does make moving into a productive future much easier. Closure is so much harder when the connection isn’t severed outright. That is one of the difficulties of life I have not been able to avoid and I don’t have many answers when it comes to dealing with that. I do know that holding onto the echoes of that connection will not move me anywhere except back to past, and I can’t live there – no one can.

So when I give gifts I try to do so knowing that the connection I have to that person will not always be the same. I try so hard to give gifts knowing that what I thought might have been so perfect in my mind, is actually the exact opposite. My gift may end up in the trash, because it was inappropriate, because I didn’t know the person as well as I thought I did. I’m not going to lie, that does sting a little, but it’s an opportunity to keep learning. Other people are one of the great mysteries of life – I will never know all there is to know. Isn’t that what makes the connection so exciting?